Who buys fuckable beer cans? This guy.
6.4.05
Yeah, I like Fruit Salad
I usually only wander out from my cave under the cover of night for food and movies. I absolutely had to go to the grocery store last night. I consider myself to be somewhat of a connoisseur of canned fruit salads. My personal favorite is on sale for nearly half off, so I'm stocking up. I didn't go all hogwild and fill up my handbasket, but I did get 10. I grab the rest of my various lonely man sundries, and proceed to checkout. My friut salads start parading down the conveyor to the baggergirl waiting at the end. About the third can in, she says "Man! You must like fruit!", so I give her the spiel. Then, she's way too interested in what I'm getting. I'll admit, I chuckled to myself when I ended up in line between a guy with a dozen roses and a box of condoms, and a guy with a 12 cans of generic beer, and a can of generic Clam Chowder. I knew so much, but what the hell is this 16 year old economic psychologist doing digging in my grief? Yeah, I like Fruit Salad. She grabs the first can that's not Fruit Salad, and starts to spin it in one hand, so she can read the label. She takes a split second too long, and I blurt out "Mandarin Oranges", and bite my tongue to keep from adding "in light syrup". She says"...in light syrup." It's on! I'm narrating my grocery purchase from there on out, just to beat her to the punch, to keep her from announcing her assessments. "Bottle of water", I say. "Big ol' bottle o' water." It wasn't that big of a bottle. "You must like pizza, too." I only bought two! I've seen people buy them in fours and fives. Don't even get me started on my trip to Blockbuster. So that's my big excitment. I went to the grocery store and rented some movies... Oh well! At least I still have my special happy place. Im not talking about this, either...
Who buys fuckable beer cans? This guy.
Who buys fuckable beer cans? This guy.
4.4.05
Handy Andy is in Japandy
My Lecherous Ex-Boss is in Japan for a few weeks. That would be priceless to see. He can't even talk to Black People. I have an idea of what he's doing there...
Speaking of which, Do you realize how hard it is to find Orangutan-on-Orangutan Porn? Help a kid out. I saw a few pics of an Orangutan Blowjob a few years ago, and it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. In one of them, the fella was all OOOOH with his bottom lip stuck out to the side. Find Them!
Which makes me think that Pure Bestiality is an untapped market. It doesn't sexually arouse me to see two animals making messy, but it is fucking funny. I remember watching this Documentary series for Science class in high school. It was an episode called "Continuing the Line", or something along those lines consisted of shot after shot of a veritable Noah's Ark Orgy. Elephants are Hung... like elephants. Their gear drags on the ground. Not only that, but it's prehensile, too, like a periscopic Peniscope. Galapagos Tortoises... That was great. Two males scrap it out over an ovualting female. The winner of the fight flips the other onto his back. The defeat in his black-bead turtle eyes is really obvious and heartfelt. The look on the winner's face is like Sylvester Stallone when he finishes a painting that he's really proud of having created. Champ is all like, "Yeah! Now you have to watch! That's what you get for messin'!" He mounts the female. It takes awhile. Then his head bobs ever so slightly back and forth, and he lets out this little wheezing grunt.
I'm just saying that I'd watch it and laugh, but probably not as hard as I did in 6th grade Sex Ed. I went to Catholic school, so we were already really jumpy about the subject. They separated the boys and girls into different Brown Paper Wrapped classrooms. The boys watched this video from the 70's about this kid who goes through it all. Hair, Shameful Ejaculations (HIDE THOSE SHEETS!), fear of broken boners, et. al... His quest for truth brings him to the zoo, as it does for all. He strikes up a conversation with this guy who's sweeping the place. He's not a zoologist. He's a janitor. The boy asks some innocuous question about "continuing the Line", The Janitor leans on his broom and grins. He fixes his hat, and says, "You Know, I see a lot of Penises in my line of work.... Animal Penises, that is!" I shit you not. I'll never forget it. That line was followed by the second funniest thing I've ever heard. At the end of the video, the Doctor who was leading the Sexual Edification asked if we had any questions. We're all Pingwins on the edge of the ice floe, and nobody is jumping in that water. After a tense minute, Henry Guzzo asks "What do boobs feel like?" Laugh riot! He came back from the bathroom later that year with his Little Elvis hanging out. Jenny Papa noticed and screamed bloody murder.
Oh Yeah! Boobs are soft.
Speaking of which, Do you realize how hard it is to find Orangutan-on-Orangutan Porn? Help a kid out. I saw a few pics of an Orangutan Blowjob a few years ago, and it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. In one of them, the fella was all OOOOH with his bottom lip stuck out to the side. Find Them!
Which makes me think that Pure Bestiality is an untapped market. It doesn't sexually arouse me to see two animals making messy, but it is fucking funny. I remember watching this Documentary series for Science class in high school. It was an episode called "Continuing the Line", or something along those lines consisted of shot after shot of a veritable Noah's Ark Orgy. Elephants are Hung... like elephants. Their gear drags on the ground. Not only that, but it's prehensile, too, like a periscopic Peniscope. Galapagos Tortoises... That was great. Two males scrap it out over an ovualting female. The winner of the fight flips the other onto his back. The defeat in his black-bead turtle eyes is really obvious and heartfelt. The look on the winner's face is like Sylvester Stallone when he finishes a painting that he's really proud of having created. Champ is all like, "Yeah! Now you have to watch! That's what you get for messin'!" He mounts the female. It takes awhile. Then his head bobs ever so slightly back and forth, and he lets out this little wheezing grunt.
I'm just saying that I'd watch it and laugh, but probably not as hard as I did in 6th grade Sex Ed. I went to Catholic school, so we were already really jumpy about the subject. They separated the boys and girls into different Brown Paper Wrapped classrooms. The boys watched this video from the 70's about this kid who goes through it all. Hair, Shameful Ejaculations (HIDE THOSE SHEETS!), fear of broken boners, et. al... His quest for truth brings him to the zoo, as it does for all. He strikes up a conversation with this guy who's sweeping the place. He's not a zoologist. He's a janitor. The boy asks some innocuous question about "continuing the Line", The Janitor leans on his broom and grins. He fixes his hat, and says, "You Know, I see a lot of Penises in my line of work.... Animal Penises, that is!" I shit you not. I'll never forget it. That line was followed by the second funniest thing I've ever heard. At the end of the video, the Doctor who was leading the Sexual Edification asked if we had any questions. We're all Pingwins on the edge of the ice floe, and nobody is jumping in that water. After a tense minute, Henry Guzzo asks "What do boobs feel like?" Laugh riot! He came back from the bathroom later that year with his Little Elvis hanging out. Jenny Papa noticed and screamed bloody murder.
Oh Yeah! Boobs are soft.
Friday, 5.6.5
OK, Cats and Kittens, SQUIRM are going to play in Chicago with Boom Bip and Mice Parade on May 6th. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a stripped down version of the SQUIRM Orchestra that played at me Birthday Soiree. I haven't heard the Mice Parade stuff, but he's played with some cool cats, ala Him and mum... Hmmm.
I've had some run-ins with the numerical combination of 12 & 22 lately, enough to comment. I used to be particularly fascinated by digital clocks at 12:22, preternaturally so. I noticed that was always glancing over at the clock right at 12:22. Over and over, at least half of the time I looked exactly on time, midnight or noon. Long after I commented to several associates about my temporal condition, I was shopping at Target... Not an uncommon occurrence, as I buy all my shirts in the little boy's section. I rounded a corner in the clock section, and an entire wall of timepieces had been unplugged about 22 minutes before I wandered by them. All of them blinked out 12:22 with the subtlety of an intergalactic distress signal beaming directly into the fillings of my teeth on all available frequencies coated in rotten tinfoil and wet chalksticks. 12:22... It got me wondering, and I'm not one for Numerology. Was something important and life-changing going to happen to me at that particular time? May days filled with dread and plodded on individually in paired heartbeats. 12:22, 12:22. I knew that this "event" could be something good. Maybe it's just some harmless lottery numbers that I'll never play, like, 12, 22, shoulda known, 12, 22... Me being the gloomy sort kept the positives well unthought of, for the most part. Maybe 12:22 had already come to pass. Maybe it isn't time or lottery numbers. It was starting to get to me. I was watching Trading Places, Dan Aykroyd and Jamie Lee Curtis are walking past this building that has 1222 spraypainted on the side. I've seen that movie a hundred times, but I never noticed that. I went to see Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind with Kellie a few weeks ago.It's a Theater Troupe called the NeoFuturists that do 30 plays in 60 minutes. The audience shouts out the number of the play they would like to see next. Loudmouth a table over shouts out 12! 22! very first thing. I was watching a really strange commercial with the sound off the other day at work. I had gone up into the office where Jodi, caucasian receptionist, watches Springer with the sound off. It was a commercial for something called the Poison Line, but it showed all for these people golfing and playing tennis. It wouldn't have looked out of place to have someone hold up a tampon or a bottle of juice and smile. I'm gorgonized by this queer little spot, and then I realize the phone number for the Poison line end in 1222.
The whole reason for this story is simply explained, but we're going to have to go all the way back to 3114 B.C., not to get all eschatalogical on your asses. The Mayan long count Calendar Cycle ends on December 22, 2012, 12.22.2012. The ends of their calendar cycles are punctuated by deluge level catastrophes. Swap presents early that year, just in case. It's either the Mayans, or Trading Spaces... gotta be.
Anyhow, back to SQUIRM, It's a little hard to describe what they do, but it isn't like this Lady.
I can't believe they're rocking it with Boom Bip. That's exciting. I haven't been playing with the SQUIRM kiddies, of late, but I have started a band with Hammerhands. We're going to do 80's and early 90's music on banjo and washtub bass with a drum machine. I'm talking Mz.s Lauper and Ciccone; I'm talking Tone Loc. I loved him in Ford Fairlane. I used to ride to school with this guy back in high school. I'll never forget sitting in his pickup truck listening to Funky Col Medina. When Tone says, "Hasta La Vista, Baby", Chris said, "I'm still the Big Stuff, Baby!"
I've been thinking about the New Charlie & The Chocolate Factory movie that's coming out. Johnny Depp... What do I need to say? What kind of person doesn't like a lil' Depp with their morning coffee? Who cares if he doesn't know that you're never ever supposed to say three little words on Nickelodeon. You know what I'm saying.
I love watching this clip of Buddy Rich vs. Animal, but he's still soooo good by himself.
I found an interesting balm for feeling so reserved lately. I don't know if it makes me feel more or less connected to look through cameras situated across the globe, but I feel a little better. That, and I've been putting Tofu in everything...
I just found out that Pretty In Pink is getting a sequel. I don't know how to feel about that. I can't describe the degree to which I identified with Duckie. I was Duckie. Hell, I might still be. It beats being The Famous Teddy Z.
I think that the only movie I've watched more times is Sixteen Candles. I can quote both of them extensively... "Well, that's very nice. I'm glad. Well here's... here's the point, Andie. I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me, because I live to like you and... and I can't like you anymore. So... so when you're feeling real low and... and dirty, don't look to me to pump you back up 'cause... 'cause... 'cause maybe for the first time in your life I WON'T BE THERE!" Screenplay GOLD!
I saw Sin City this weekend. It totally owns my ass. Hammerhands brought his wife, Dear Lily. Somewhere between the second decapitation and the umpteenth amputation, I started feeling sorry for her. Sin City... Awesomeness? Si! Lily Movie? No. Hammerhands kept talking about the correlation between that Yellow Bastard, and someone called the Old Codger.
I guess I can see it. I should have some SQUIRM MP3s up soon, so kep your ears wiggling.
I've had some run-ins with the numerical combination of 12 & 22 lately, enough to comment. I used to be particularly fascinated by digital clocks at 12:22, preternaturally so. I noticed that was always glancing over at the clock right at 12:22. Over and over, at least half of the time I looked exactly on time, midnight or noon. Long after I commented to several associates about my temporal condition, I was shopping at Target... Not an uncommon occurrence, as I buy all my shirts in the little boy's section. I rounded a corner in the clock section, and an entire wall of timepieces had been unplugged about 22 minutes before I wandered by them. All of them blinked out 12:22 with the subtlety of an intergalactic distress signal beaming directly into the fillings of my teeth on all available frequencies coated in rotten tinfoil and wet chalksticks. 12:22... It got me wondering, and I'm not one for Numerology. Was something important and life-changing going to happen to me at that particular time? May days filled with dread and plodded on individually in paired heartbeats. 12:22, 12:22. I knew that this "event" could be something good. Maybe it's just some harmless lottery numbers that I'll never play, like, 12, 22, shoulda known, 12, 22... Me being the gloomy sort kept the positives well unthought of, for the most part. Maybe 12:22 had already come to pass. Maybe it isn't time or lottery numbers. It was starting to get to me. I was watching Trading Places, Dan Aykroyd and Jamie Lee Curtis are walking past this building that has 1222 spraypainted on the side. I've seen that movie a hundred times, but I never noticed that. I went to see Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind with Kellie a few weeks ago.It's a Theater Troupe called the NeoFuturists that do 30 plays in 60 minutes. The audience shouts out the number of the play they would like to see next. Loudmouth a table over shouts out 12! 22! very first thing. I was watching a really strange commercial with the sound off the other day at work. I had gone up into the office where Jodi, caucasian receptionist, watches Springer with the sound off. It was a commercial for something called the Poison Line, but it showed all for these people golfing and playing tennis. It wouldn't have looked out of place to have someone hold up a tampon or a bottle of juice and smile. I'm gorgonized by this queer little spot, and then I realize the phone number for the Poison line end in 1222.
The whole reason for this story is simply explained, but we're going to have to go all the way back to 3114 B.C., not to get all eschatalogical on your asses. The Mayan long count Calendar Cycle ends on December 22, 2012, 12.22.2012. The ends of their calendar cycles are punctuated by deluge level catastrophes. Swap presents early that year, just in case. It's either the Mayans, or Trading Spaces... gotta be.
Anyhow, back to SQUIRM, It's a little hard to describe what they do, but it isn't like this Lady.
I can't believe they're rocking it with Boom Bip. That's exciting. I haven't been playing with the SQUIRM kiddies, of late, but I have started a band with Hammerhands. We're going to do 80's and early 90's music on banjo and washtub bass with a drum machine. I'm talking Mz.s Lauper and Ciccone; I'm talking Tone Loc. I loved him in Ford Fairlane. I used to ride to school with this guy back in high school. I'll never forget sitting in his pickup truck listening to Funky Col Medina. When Tone says, "Hasta La Vista, Baby", Chris said, "I'm still the Big Stuff, Baby!"
I've been thinking about the New Charlie & The Chocolate Factory movie that's coming out. Johnny Depp... What do I need to say? What kind of person doesn't like a lil' Depp with their morning coffee? Who cares if he doesn't know that you're never ever supposed to say three little words on Nickelodeon. You know what I'm saying.
I love watching this clip of Buddy Rich vs. Animal, but he's still soooo good by himself.
I found an interesting balm for feeling so reserved lately. I don't know if it makes me feel more or less connected to look through cameras situated across the globe, but I feel a little better. That, and I've been putting Tofu in everything...
I just found out that Pretty In Pink is getting a sequel. I don't know how to feel about that. I can't describe the degree to which I identified with Duckie. I was Duckie. Hell, I might still be. It beats being The Famous Teddy Z.
I think that the only movie I've watched more times is Sixteen Candles. I can quote both of them extensively... "Well, that's very nice. I'm glad. Well here's... here's the point, Andie. I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me, because I live to like you and... and I can't like you anymore. So... so when you're feeling real low and... and dirty, don't look to me to pump you back up 'cause... 'cause... 'cause maybe for the first time in your life I WON'T BE THERE!" Screenplay GOLD!
I saw Sin City this weekend. It totally owns my ass. Hammerhands brought his wife, Dear Lily. Somewhere between the second decapitation and the umpteenth amputation, I started feeling sorry for her. Sin City... Awesomeness? Si! Lily Movie? No. Hammerhands kept talking about the correlation between that Yellow Bastard, and someone called the Old Codger.
I guess I can see it. I should have some SQUIRM MP3s up soon, so kep your ears wiggling.
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