2 Whoppers Jr.

I had to delve deep into the heart of Amish Country today. I needed to pick up a check from this Podunk dive way out in the backwoods. The two ladies in the office were big like water balloons. They were trying to decide where to get their lunches from that particular day. The bigger one kept saying " I am STARVING!" Shit! I was suprised she was even hungry. I got my check after too long of a wait, and hopped back in the truck, lit a smoke, changed CD in my player, and put her in gear. In glancing at the check, I saw that she had written the wrong name on it, which struck me as odd, mostly because we had been referring to it as the check for State Industries this whole time. I head back in, and she says "I know! I realized that I'd put the wrong name on it the second you walked out the door, but I wasn't about to hop up and go running after you!" I had been sitting less than 10 feet away from her desk for a good five minutes. If I hadn't realized her error, then I would have had to make an hour long trip twice to that Godforsaken Holler. I had to bit my tongue to keep from opining that mayhaps the occasional short jog might be a little beneficial. Oh Yeah! She wanted, in addition to other various sundries, two Whopper Jr.s. It's Whoppers Jr., Tubby. I know that everyone will jump in my shit for being insensitive to the struggle of the obese. I had a lady tell me once that I didn't understand the pressure that women are under to conform to some unrealistic ideal. I'm pale, scrawny, & funny looking with Bad Teeth, and I'm just swimming in Pussy, so, I guess she's right! I don't have any idea what it's like to feel less than adequate in comparison to the 6 inches of skin under Brad Pitt's Navel from that one scene in Fight Club. P.S. Sister, you're holding yourself to that ideal. Admittedly, it is a vicious double standard, because if Hot Chicks love one thing, it's big fat guys...
Not to be a shit, It's just that don't none of us ugly fuckers get a head-start. Just remember the message that Frank Zappa died trying to deliver to the Beautiful People of the world, "There's alot more of us Ugly Fuckers than you!" People, Cum often, and die smiling... please. P.S. Fuck you, Brad!


In memory of the one true King of Rock's passing, download "We're so glad Elvis is Dead" by The Tits.


While I'm being un-PC, check this out. They have some absolutely stellar MP3s here, but this cover stuck out for some reason... (via TWS)

I got a call from my Sister about a year ago. She told me that my best friend from childhood had been arrested for posession of Child Pornography. I freaked. He & I'd drifted far apart since high school started 15 or so ago. I started looking around for any information about the arrest, and I finally stumbled onto a post on the Local News' Website. It had a blurb & a pic. I breathed a sigh of relief. The guy in the picture was old and heavyset with weird facial hair... Then dread soaked in, because the cat in the pic also had his eyes, and the same teeth, and... OHGOD! it was totally him. WTF? I've actually been writing a book since then chronicling all I feel about that realization. Sorry, long-winded justification for a satellite map of Sex Offenders. Goes to show that you never know...


It makes me sad, but that's a book for another year...

Aw Shit! GoatBoy's gonna wear Batman like a feedbag! Welcome to the exciting world of being single...



SOmetimes, it's enough to make you feel... lonesome?

Fainting Goats are funny. Hammerhands needs some of these at the Yurt.



Mehre kuhl Deutsche Photografieren.

I always wondere how Rockwell got Michael Jackson to back him up on "somebody's watching you". Turns out he's Motown Head Barry Gordy's son... Personally, I always considered Rockwell's version of Taxman as being forward thinking. You wanted to justify yourself as an artist? Do shit that people already know, so they can say "I know this! I already like it!" Not to fault a brother for doing a cover, but... a fucking Beatles cover? My massive respect for Rockwell? diminished.
(Addendum:Rootless Cosmopolitans do a bang-up job on "While My Guitar Gently weeps." It's actually just Marc Ribot, and it is very good.)